I don’t fear rejection, I’m used to rejection. I’m familiar with the sensation that rejection brings. The stomach sinking, tears in your eyes, fists in the air type of feeling that I’ve experienced too many times to count. I’m an expert when it comes to rejection. I expect rejection.
I fear success.
I dream of success but the thought of it actually happening terrifies me. I have grown so accustomed to living life in a little corner of the universe that the idea of stepping out from the shadows to share with the world my imagination makes my heart pound faster than normal. What if my dream came true? Could I handle it?
I’ve never been on a plane. What if I did make it, would I be able to jet off to another state to promote my book or do author signings? Could I face that fear?
I have feared success most of my life. It’s a weird fear to have because there is no guarantee that it can be faced.
My fear of boarding a plane can be conquered. I can book a flight today to face this fear. But, there is no guarantee that one will become successful. Being successful means different things to everyone. For me, success would be becoming a well-known author with many published books. This may never happen and if it doesn’t, I can never face the fear.
Yes, I fear success. The thought of it makes my stomach turn and causes my palms to sweat, but the fear of never finding success may be worse.
Do you fear success?
Lately, I’ve been in a funk. I’ve been wondering about my writing career, asking myself if I really think all the dreams I have had for the last decade or so will ever really come true. Most days I’m an optimist, but there are those few days that I sit questioning everything and anything.
I got to thinking, What if someone who sees the future told you they can tell you with absolute certainty if you will ever break through? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference?
What if the answer was no, would you keep writing?
Let’s face it, writers are filled with dreams of the future. The possibilities of what can be are great motivators. Sure, we all write because it’s our passion, our love, our sanity, but a great amount of us write hoping that someday our words will be read by thousands maybe even millions of people.
It would be nice to know for sure if that moment we are waiting for will eventually come. However, I’m not sure I’d want to know for sure.
I write because my soul feels complete when I am putting the pen to the paper. I’m hopeful that my perseverance will pay off. If someone told me my dreams will never come true it would crush me. On the reverse, if they said I will one day be a best-selling author, I might write more furiously so I can get to that point quicker, but still it wouldn’t be the same.
As much as I hate not knowing what will become of me and my words, it’s the not knowing that pushes me forward, keeps me going, and drives me to produce more.
So, if someone with a crystal ball said, “I can tell you if you will find success.” It’s a possibility that I’d say, “Okay, tell me.” but then I might find myself regretting finding out.
How about you? Would you want to know?